Famous Quotes

History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives. -Abba Eban

How many legs does a dog have - if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn’t make it a leg. -Abraham Lincoln

Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere. -Albert Einstein

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity. -Ellen Parr

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege. -Unknown

When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, you think it’s only a minute. But when you sit on a hot stove for a minute, you think it’s two hours. That’s relativity. -Albert Einstein

It is easier to fight for one’s principles than to live up to them. -Alfred Adler

Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. -Ambrose Bierce

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident. -Arthur Schopenhauer

Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment. -Barry LePatner

What happens to the hole when the cheese is gone? -Bertolt Brecht

Some people make things happen, some people watch things happen, and some ask what happened. -Casey Stengel

If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning. -Catherine Aird

A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it. -Albert Einstein

By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong. -Charles Wadsworth

One dog barks at something. And a hundred dogs bark at the sound. -Chinese Proverb

A committee can make a decision that is dumber than any of its members. -David Cobitz

The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it. -Dudley Moore

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. -Franklin P. Jones

Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because its much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs? -George Carlin

My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. -Henny Youngman

No matter what side of the argument you are on, you always find people on your side that you wish were on the other. -Jascha Heifetz

If it weren’t for my lawyer, I’d still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging. -Joe Martin

The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable. -John Kenneth Galbraith

What we think, or what we know, or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. The only consequence is what we do. -John Ruskin

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. -Lily Tomlin

If everything’s under control, you’re going too slow. -Mario Andretti

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug. -Mark Twain

I’ve gone into hundreds of [fortune-teller's parlors], and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest her. -New York City detective

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not, and a sense of humor was provided to console him for what he is. -Oscar Wilde

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet. -Saint Augustine

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. -Sam Levenson

I have such a high regard for the truth that I use it sparingly. -Timothy Connor

Tell a man there are 300 Billion stars in the universe and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he’ll have to touch to be sure. -Unknown Author

It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend. -William Blake

Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm. -Winston Churchill

Never believe anything until it has been officially denied. -Claud Cockburn

It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer. -Albert Einstein

If you don’t make mistakes, you’re not working on hard enough problems. And that’s a big mistake. -Frank Wilczek

It's what you learn after you know it all that counts. -John Wooden

The Wit of Ronald Reagan

"The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program."
--Ronald Reagan

"Here's my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose."
--Ronald Reagan

"The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help."
--Ronald Reagan

"Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other."
--Ronald Reagan

"Of the four wars in my lifetime none came about because the U.S. was too strong."
--Ronald Reagan

"The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination."
--Ronald Reagan

"The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant: It's just that they know so much that isn't so."
--Ronald Reagan

"I've laid down the law, though, to everyone from now on about anything that happens: no matter what time it is, wake me, even if it's in the middle of a Cabinet meeting."
--Ronald Reagan

"It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first."
--Ronald Reagan

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it."
--Ronald Reagan

"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book."
--Ronald Reagan

"No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women."
--Ronald Reagan

Funny Quotes To Live By

1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
2. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
3. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
4. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
5. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how living remains so popular?
6. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
7. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
8. You can't have everything, where would you put it?
9. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
10. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. 

More funny quotes to live by

Famous Quotes

I have long been of the opinion that if work were such a splendid thing the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.?
Bruce Grocott

People want economy and they will pay any price to get it.
Lee Iacocca

An idealist is a person who helps other people to be prosperous.
Henry Ford

You know everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
Will Rogers

I can think of nothing less pleasurable than a life devoted to pleasure.
John D. Rockefeller

Before God we are all equally wise - and equally foolish. -
Albert Einstein

There are no wise few. Every aristocracy that has ever existed has behaved, in all essential points, exactly like a small mob.
GK Chesterton

When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it.
Bernard Bailey

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.
Mary Wilson Little

Ability will never catch up with the demand for it.
Malcolm Forbes

A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from his friends.
Baltasar Gracian

Silence is the virtue of fools.
Sir Francis Bacon

Look wise, say nothing, and grunt. Speech was given to conceal thought.
Sir William Osler

A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds.
Sir Francis Bacon

When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.
Eric offer

When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad, and that is my religion.
Abraham Lincoln

Great Quotes by Great Ladies

Inside every older person is a younger person — wondering what the hell happened.
-Cora Harvey Armstrong

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
-Janette Barber

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
-Lily Tomlin

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
-Carrie Snow

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.
-Laurie Kuslansky

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
-Erma Bombeck

Old age ain’t no place for sissies.
-Bette Davis

A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do.
A woman must do what he can’t.
-Rhonda Hansome

The phrase “working mother” is redundant.
-Jane Sellman

Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows.
-Jennifer Unlimited

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
-Charlotte Whitton

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
-Caryn Leschen

I try to take one day at a time, but sometime! s several days attack me at once.
-Jennifer Unlimited

If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning.
-Catherine

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!
-Kathy Buckley

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb
… and I’m also not blonde.
-Dolly Parton

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
-Sue Grafton

I’m not going to vacuum ’til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
-Elayne Boosler

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man-if you want anything done, ask a woman.
-Margaret Thatcher

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
-Gloria Steinem

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt

Dog Quotes

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
- Anonymous

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
- Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
- Andy Rooney

Dogs love their friends & bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love & always have to mix love & hate.
- Anonymous

Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
- Franklin P. Jones.

If your dog is fat, you aren’t getting enough exercise.
- Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That’s almost $21.00 in dog money.
- Joe Weinstein

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
- Robert A. Heinlein

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
- Mark Twain

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
- Roger Caras

If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
- Phil Pastoret

Best Of Homer Simpson's Quote

1. Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.
2. Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to Home Simpsonget one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!
3. What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway.
4. I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman.
5. Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.
6. Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin… but what good does that do me?
7. I hope I didn’t brain my damage.
8. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals… except the weasel.
9. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
10. How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
11. Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
12. Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!
13. How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.
14. You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.
15. Oh, I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk.

Great Ellen Degeneres Quotes

I don’t care who you are, you’ve got to like Ellen Degeneres. She’s an 11 time Emmy winner, she’s gay, but most importantly she’s funny as hell. Ellen always seems to have something funny or relevant to say. Speaking of things she says, we’ve put together some of the wittier things she’s said in the past.

• “In the beginning there was nothing. God said, ‘Let there be light!’ And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.”
• “Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.”
• “Procrastination isn’t the problem, it’s the solution. So procrastinate now, don’t put it off.”
• “I’m a godmother, that’s a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that’s cute, I taught her that.”
• “I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.”
• “I gotta work out. I keep saying it all the time. I keep saying I gotta start working out. It’s been about two months since I’ve worked out. And I just don’t have the time. Which uh..is odd. Because I have the time to go out to dinner. And uh..and watch tv. And get a bone density test. And uh.. try to figure out what my phone number spells in words.”
• “I was coming home from kindergarten - well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It’s good for a kid to know how to make gloves.”
• “People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.”
• “The sixties were when hallucinogentic drugs were really, really big. And I don’t think it’s a coincidence that we had the type of shows we had then, like The Flying Nun.”
• “I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.”
• “Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers in their antlers because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.”
• “Yeah I’m thirty-six, but on the show I’m thirty-two. Nobody wants to watch a thirty-six year old woman, so they decided to make me thirty-two. Much more appealing somehow.”
• “You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.”

Hilarious Comedian Quotes

• I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, ‘I’d like some fries.’ The girl at the counter said, ‘Would you like some fries with that?’ (Jay Leno)
• My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside. (Roseanne )
• A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. (Steve Martin)
• Don’t knock masturbation, it’s sex with someone I love . (Woody Allen)
• It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. (Woody Allen)
• I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic. (Woody Allen)
• I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it. (George Carlin)
• Have you ever noticed, in traffic, anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac! (George Carlin)
• You know you must be doing something right if old people like you. (Dave Chappelle )
• I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it. (Dave Chappelle)
• A word to the wise ain’t necessary - it’s the stupid ones that need the advice. (Bill Cosby )
• To be good, you need to believe in what you’re doing. (Billy Crystal )
• I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five. (Steven Wright )
• Having a male gynecologist is like going to an auto mechanic who doesn’t own a car. (Carrie Snow )
• I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup. (Eddie Izzard )
• If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight. (George Gobel)
• Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. (George Carlin)
• Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.(Jerry Seinfeld)
• You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy,the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon. (Chris Rock )

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Funny Quotes From Famous People

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
Dave Edison.

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
Dick Cavett.

"An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex."
Edgar Wallace.

"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."
Sacha Guitry.

"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff."
Steven Wright.

"You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone."
Al Capone.

"To write a diary every day is like returning to one's own vomit."
Enoch Powell.

"If you've got them by the balls their hearts and minds will follow."
John Wayne.

"The trouble with children is that they're not returnable."
Quentin Crisp.

Celebrities Say The Darndest Things

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."
Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State)

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading."
Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee-the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."
Dan Rather (News anchorman)

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?"
Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."
Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses)

"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."
Rev. Jesse Jackson

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
Roseanne

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
Rod Stewart

Famous Alcohol Quotes

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
--Frank Sinatra

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls.
--Timothy Walsh

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
--Anonymous

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
--Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven...
--Brian O'Rourke

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline... it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
--Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
--Homer Simpson

Famous Bloopers

“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.”

~ Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
- - - - - - - - - -

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,”

~ Miss Alabama’s Heather Whitestone in the 1994 Miss USA contest, who was later selected as Miss America 1995.
- - - - - - - - - -

“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”

~ Mariah Carey
- - - - - - - - - -

“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body”

~ Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
- - - - - - - - - -

“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country”

~ Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
- - - - - - - - - -

“I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.”

~ Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
- - - - - - - - - -

“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it.”

~ A congressional candidate in Texas.
- - - - - - - - - -

“Half this game is ninety percent mental.”

~ Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
- - - - - - - - - -

“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”

And (yea he gets two)…

“We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.”

~ Al Gore, former Vice President of the United States (and inventor of teh internet : )
- - - - - - - - - -

“I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix .”

~ Dan Quayle
- - - - - - - - - -

“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?”

~ Lee Iacocca
- - - - - - - - - -

“The word “genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”

~ Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
- - - - - - - - - -

“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people”

~ Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.
- - - - - - - - - -

“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.”

~ Bill Clinton, Former President of the United States
- - - - - - - - - -

“Traditionally, most of Australia ’s imports come from overseas.”

~ Keppel Enderbery
- - - - - - - - - -

“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.”

~ Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
- - - - - - - - - -

“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.”

~ Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Funny Quotes By American Presidents

"I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming."
Jimmy Carter.

"If you can't convince them, confuse them."
Harry S Truman

"I'm glad I'm not Brezhnev. Being the Russian leader in the Kremlin. You never know if someone's tape recording what you say."
Richard Nixon.

"I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them."
George Bush.

"Politics is supposed be the second oldest profession. I have come to realise that it bears a very close resemblance to the first."
Ronald Reagan.

"When the President does it, that means that it's not illegal."
Richard Nixon.

"You can tell alot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans."
Ronald Reagan.

"I never drink coffee at lunch. I find it keeps me awake for the afternoon."
Ronald Reagan.

"People who like this sort of thing will find this the sort of thing they like."
Abraham Lincoln.

"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."
George Bush.

"I have orders to be awakened at any time in the case of a national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting."
Ronald Reagan.

Funny Quotes By Famous People

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...
--Sir Norman Wisdom

One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.
--Edgar Watson Howe

A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success!
--Doug Larson

A harmful truth is always better then...a use ful lie !!!
--Eric Bolton


When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
--Erno Philips

I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'.
--Robert Paul

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
--Phyllis Diller

Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
--Victor Borge

Start every day with a smile and get it over with.
--W.C. Fields

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
--Will Rogers

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
--Mic k! ey Rooney

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison.
--Tim Allen

If you never want to see a man again, say, 'I love you, I want to marry you. I want to have children...' - they leave skid marks.
--Rita Rudner

I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
--Woody Allen

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
--Erica Jong

Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive.
--Elbert Hubbard

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
--Wndell Johnson

In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.
--Joey Adams

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
--Henry Youngman

Have you noticed that all the people in favour of birth control are already born ?
--Benny Hill

Funny Quotes By Albert Einstein

Albert Einstein is best mind known to human. He was the most Intellectual person ever. But still he had a funny side to him. Following are some of his quotes which I found funny.

• “The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.”
• “Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.”
• “If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?”
• “I don't know, I don't care, and it doesn't make any difference!”
• "If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut."
• "I never think of the future. It comes soon enough."
• "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."
• “You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to play better than anyone else.”
• “I am a deeply religious nonbeliever - This is a somewhat new kind of religion”
• “Any man who reads too much and uses his own brain too little falls into lazy habits of thinking”
• "Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love."
• "The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
• “The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.”