Do You Agree?

Chinese Joke Of The Year

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Too good...

Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers ?

Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

You Know When You're Desperate

That's How I Want To Go

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment.

They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them.

They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and their avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the lawyer said, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."

Why I Couldn't Diet

• But the doughnut was calling my name.
• I felt left out because they were eating.
• But it was my birthday, so I had to eat the whole cake.
• The kids over seas are starving, so naturally I have to clean my plate.
• I had to get the bitter taste out of my mouth from eating the so-called dish, so I had a ice cream.
• If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
• If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
• When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.
• Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
• If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
• Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
• Cookie pieces contain no fat-- the process of breaking causes fat leakage. Exception: Cookies sold by TEXAS D'LITES distributors. Great "Meal Replacement" with little or no FAT content, low in calories, lots of fiber, protein, and other nutritional ingredients.
• Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
• Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
• Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.

Real Meaning In An Anagram

An Anagram is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. Another way to play with changing perception. The following examples are quite astounding!

Dormitory == Dirty Room
Evangelist == Evil's Agent
Desperation == A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code == Here Come Dots
Slot Machines == Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity == Is No Amity
Mother-in-law == Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms == Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness == Genuine Class
Semolina == Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries == Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point== I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes== That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two== Twelve plus one
Contradiction == Accord not in it

Top Oxymorons

47. Act naturally
46. Found missing
45. Resident alien
44. Advanced BASIC
43. Genuine imitation
42. Airline Food
41. Good grief
40. Same difference
39. Almost exactly
38. Government organization
37. Sanitary landfill
36. Alone together
35. Legally drunk
34. Silent scream
33. American history
32. Living dead
31. Small crowd
30. Business ethics
29. Soft rock
28. Butt Head
27. Military Intelligence
26. Software documentation
25. New York culture
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
09. Political science
08. Tight slacks
07. Definite maybe
06. Pretty ugly
05. Twelve-ounce pound cake
04. Diet ice cream
03. Working vacation
02. Exact estimate

And the Number one top Oxymoron
01. Microsoft Works

Zodiac : Hidden Meanings

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb 18) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a jerk.

PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20) - You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have a minor influence on your friends, and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 20) - You are the pioneer type and think most people are quick-tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You too are a jerk.

TAURUS (Apr 21-May 20) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. 

GEMINI (May 21-Jun 20) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. 

CANCER (Jun 21-Jul 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding to other peoples problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everybody in prison is a Cancer.

LEO (Jul 23-Aug 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you're an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves and spend most of their lives kissing mirrors.

VIRGO (Aug 23-Sep 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

LIBRA (Sep 23-Oct 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male, you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21) - The worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarius' are drunks. You are not worth the time of day.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19) - You are conservative and are afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself. 

Adam And Eve

A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No way! They have no clothes and no shelter," the Russian points out, "They have only an apple to eat, and are being told they live in a paradise. Obviously, they are Russian."

Choo - Choo

This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.  While standing in the middle of the RR tracks one day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.

Predictably, he's hit -- but, only a glancing blow -- and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party, one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.

His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man: "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"

The desert man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."

Global Warming

Soccer Or Counter Strike

Leave Applications

Proton, Electron And Neutron

Watching Movie In 3D

Love Is Blind

Define Calories

Hideous Woman

Two men were talking at a party, and one said, “Look at that awful-looking woman over there… isn’t she hideous? I think she must be the most unattractive woman I’ve ever seen in my life!”

“That happens to be my wife!” said the second icily.

“Oh dear,” said the first, covered in confusion, “I’m so sorry.”

To which the unfortunate man replied, “YOU’RE sorry…?”

Misnomers

A misnomer is a term which suggests an interpretation that is known to be untrue. Here are a few examples:

1. An inchworm is neither an inch long, nor a worm.
2. Greenland is icy and Iceland is greener)
3. Panama hats are not made in Panama, but Ecuador
4. The “lead” in pencils is made of graphite and clay, not lead
5. Northwestern University is in northeastern Illinois, a midwestern state.
6. “Tin foil” is almost always actually aluminum.
7. Catgut is made from sheep intestines.
8. The Hundred Years’ War did not last for 100 years but 116.
9. Head cheese is actually a meat product.
10. “Horny toads” or “horned frogs” are actually lizards.
11. Though a starfish is star-shaped, as the name suggests, it is not a fish.
12. The titmouse is a bird, not a mouse.
13. Jellyfish are not fish.
14. The Washington Redskins play in Landover, Maryland.
15. The New York Jets and New York Giants play in East Rutherford, New Jersey.
16. Scotland Yard is located in England.
17. The “funny bone” is not a bone — the phrase instead refers to the ulnar nerve.
18. During its peak, rush hour often lasts more than an hour, with very little, if any, movement.
19. A parkway is a type of street or road where parking is generally prohibited.
20. A residential driveway is intended for parking.