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Good Things About Getting Older

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run -- anywhere.
4. People call at 9:00 p.m. and don't think it's strange to ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out!
8. You can live without sex (but not your glasses).
9. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
10. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
11. Your eyes won't get much worse.
12. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
13. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
14. Your secrets are safe with your friends (because they can't remember them either).
15. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

Bathroom Lights ???

A doctor is making a routine call to one of his elderly patients. 

He asks, ''And how are you doing today, Mr. Johnson?'' 

Mr. Johnson replies, ''I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it's the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pee, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door!''

The doctor is worried that the old guy is getting senile, so he phones the man's son, and the son's wife answers. 

The doctor tells her, ''Mrs. Johnson, I'm a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on...

''Mrs. Johnson yells, ''STEVEN! Daddy's peeing in the refrigerator again!''

Patient In Room 302

A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!"

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit."

You Are Doing It All Wrong

Hard Landing

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.

The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."
He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane.  She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"  "Why no" said the pilot, Ma'am, what is it?"  The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

You're Growing Older When

1. Your kids are becoming you, and you don’t like them. But your grandchildren are perfect!
2. Going out is good. Coming home is better!
3. When you needed the discount, you paid full price. Now, you get discounts on everything: movies, hotels, flights, but you don’t feel like going to the trouble.
4. You forget names, but it’s OK because other people forgot they even know you!!!
5. The five pounds you wanted to lose is now fifteen and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the fifteen pounds.
6. You realize you’re never going to be really good at anything, especially golf.
7. Your husband is counting on you to remember things you don’t remember.
8. The things you cared to do, you don’t care to do, but you care that you don’t care to do them anymore.
9. Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed. It’s called his “pre-sleep”.
10. Remember when your mother said, “Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident”? Now you bring clean underwear in case you have an accident!
11. You used to say, “I hope my kids get married.” Now you say, “I hope they stay married!”
12. You miss the days when everything worked with just an “ON” and “OFF” switch.
13. You remember when Google, iPod, email, modem were unheard of and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.
14. You now use more four-letter words ..”what?”…”when?”
15. Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it’s not safe to wear it anywhere.
16. Your husband has a night out with the guys but he’s home by 9:00 P.M. Next week it will be 8:30 P.M.
17. You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you’ve already read it.
18. Notice everything they sell in stores is “sleeveless”?
19. What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
20. Everybody whispers.
21. Now that your husband has retired, you’d give anything if he’d find a job!
22. You have three sizes of clothes in your closet …two of which you will never wear.
23. But old is good in some things: old songs, old movies and best of all, OLD FRIENDS -if you can remember who they are!

Using Chopsticks : Grandma Style

Its Always 50 - 50

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. 

As he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them.

Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth.

$3.50 Popcorn

For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie.

After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $3.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."

"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."

Why Do You Keep Coming Back

St. Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by the Pearly Gates: "For Service Ring Bell."

Away he goes; he barely gets started when BING! the bell rings. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there.

St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! the bell rings again. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there. A little annoyed, St. Peter goes back to work.

Suddenly, BING! the bell rings again. St. Peter goes back; again, no one's there, and he's now really, really irritated.

"Okay, that's it," he says. "I'm going to hide and watch to see what's going on." So St. Peter hides, and a moment later, a little old man walks up and rings the bell.

St. Peter jumps out and yells, "Aha! Are you the guy who keeps ringing the bell?"

"Yes, that's me," the little old man says.

"Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?" St. Peter asks.

"They keep resuscitating me."

A-B-C Of Growing Older

Age before Beauty is what we once said,
But now let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C is the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

H is high blood pressure -- I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just
give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.

W is for worry (now what's going 'round?)
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest -- but just in my mind.

Power Of Mind : Remember Things by Association

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.

A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.

"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.

"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"

"A rose?" asked the neighbor.

"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"

Q&A For Old Peoples

Q: Where can single men over the age of 50 find younger women who are interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.

 

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you will have a place to live.

 

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-50 year-old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.

 

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.

 

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out..

 

Q: Why should 50-plus year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

 

Q: Is it common for 50-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem. Retrieving it is the problem.

 

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

 

Q: Where should 50-plus year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.

 

Q: What is the most common remark made by 50-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?

A:"Gosh, I remember these!"

Everything's Free In Here

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they “oohed and aahed” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

“It’s free,” Peter replied, “this is Heaven.”

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed on to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, “What are the green fees?”

Peter’s reply, “This is heaven, you play for free.”

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine’s of the world laid out.

“How much to eat?” asked the old man.

“Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” Peter replied with some exasperation.

“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, “That’s the best part . . . you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault. If it weren’t for you and your damn bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”

With Age Comes Wisdom

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.  The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something more special.’

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.  ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said.  The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.  The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, ‘by check.  I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.’

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said ‘There’s no money in that account.’

’I know,’ said the old man, ‘But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!’

Proud To Be Guilty

Ross and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Ross didn’t show up. Sam didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Ross hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn’t know where Ross lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Ross, but one day, Sam approached the park and—lo and behold!—there sat Ross! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, ‘For crying out loud Ross, what in the world happened to you?’ Ross replied, ‘I have been in jail.’

‘Jail!’ cried Sam. What in the world for?’

‘Well,’ Ross said, ‘you know Sue, that cute little blonde nurse at the Doctor’s office where I sometimes go?’

‘Yeah,’ said Sam, ‘I remember her. What about her?

‘Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled ‘guilty’.

‘The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.’

Senior Texting Codes

ATD: At The Doctor’s
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWBB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
GLKI: Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk’s On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL… CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing… And Can’t Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where’s The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

Good Things About Getting Older

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run -- anywhere.
4. People call at 9:00 p.m. and don't think it's strange to ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out!
8. You can live without sex (but not your glasses).
9. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
10. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
11. Your eyes won't get much worse.
12. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
13. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
14. Your secrets are safe with your friends (because they can't remember them either).
15. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

Happy Thanksgiving

An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing -- 45 years of misery is enough!"

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick and tired of each other, and
I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting a divorce!" she shouts. "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are not getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, Do you hear me?" and she hangs up.

The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. "OK," he says, "They're both coming for Thanksgiving --- and they're paying their own way!"