Drinking Fast Is Good When...

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots, and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, 'Dang, why are you drinking so fast?'

The guy says, 'You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had.'

The bartender asks, 'What do you have?'

The guy answers, '75 cents.'

Occasional Drinker

Be safe and wear seatbelt

No More Accusations please

After quarrelling with his wife, the man grabbed her by the arm and dragged her down to his local pub.

He bought a pint of bitter and thrust in into her hands.

‘Here, drink that,’ he said. His wife took one gulp and made her face in disgust, and said, “How can you drink such foul – tasting stuff?”

Her husband beamed with satisfaction, “Right then”,

he said, “I will have no more accusations from you that I come down here to enjoy myself.”

Drinking And Driving???

Harry didn't stop his car at some traffic-lights when they were red, and he hit another car. 

Harry jumped out and went to it. There were an old man in the car. He was very frightened and said to Harry: "What are you doing? You nearly killed me!". "Yes", Harry answer, "I am very sorry". 

He took a bottle out of his car and said: “Drink some of this. Then you’ll fell better”. He gave the man some whisky, and the man drank it, but then he shouted again: “You nearly killed me!”. Harry gave him the bottle again, and the old man drank a lot of the whisky. 

Then he smiled and said to Harry: “Thank you. I fell much better now. But why aren't you drinking?”.Oh, well”, Harry answer, “I don’t want any whisky now. I'm going to sit here and wait for police”.

When does the Bar Open?

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon" answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks.

"Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"

The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait,I can have room service send something up to you."

"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna get OUT!!!"

.

New Theory : Survival Of The Drunkest

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of wine and beer eliminates the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

The results of this in-depth epidemiological study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and engineering performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving university and getting married, most engineers cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their university years.

So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars! Quaff that beer! Drink that wine! Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have.

Crawling Back Home

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.

He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face.

He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" he asks as he puts on an innocent look.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

Something For The House

The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.

"Do you realize what time it is," she said.

He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house."

Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she said, "What did you buy for the house, dear?"

His answer was, "A round of drinks!"

What A Coincidence

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland .’

The other woman responds proudly, ‘Yes, I sure am!’ The first one says, ‘So am I!  And where about in Ireland are ya from?’

The other woman  answers, ‘I’m from Dublin , I am.’

The first one responds, ‘So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?’

The other woman says, ‘A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.’

The first one says, ‘Faith, and it’s a small world. So did I!  So did I!  And what school did ya go to?’

The other woman answers, ‘Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course..’

The first one gets really excited and says, ‘And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?’The other woman answers, ‘Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.’

The first woman exclaims, ‘The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!  I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight!  Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!’

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, ‘It’s going to be a long night tonight.’

Michael asks, ‘Why do you say that, Brian?’ Brian answers, “The Murphy twins are drunk again!

Warning Signs On Alcohol Bottles

• WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
• WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
• WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
• WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
• WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
• WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
• WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
• WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
• WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
• WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
• WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.
• WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.
• WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.

Real Love

Beer! And Some Quotes

1. Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella
2. Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
3. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
4. A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
5. Beauty lies in the hands of the beerholder.
6. Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill. His reply -- Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
7. Work is the curse of the drinking classes. --Oscar Wilde
8. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman
9. Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
10. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
11. Beer is good food.
12. It's better to have a beer in hand than gas in tank.
13. Life is too short to drink cheap beer.
14. Beer - it's not just for breakfast anymore.
15. Beer - Nature's laxative.
16. Beer. If you can't taste it, why bother!
17. When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. --Postpetroleum Guzzler, Dave Barry
18. Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry's Bad Habit's, Dave Barry
19. Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. --Dave Barry
20. My problem with most althletic challenges is training. I'm lazy and find that workouts cut into my drinking time. --A Wolverine is Eating My Leg
21. The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart
22. Friends don't let friends drink Light Beer.
23. Adhere to Schweinheitsgebot. Don't put anything in your beer that a pig wouldn't eat. --David Geary
24. Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. --David Moulton
25. People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot. --Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Ten Reasons Why Beer Should Be Served At Work

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
5. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
6. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
7. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
8. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
9. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
10. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."

Thank Heavens

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road.

An Irish cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few.
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Drinks According To Ages

How To Find Location Of Waiter At Bar

I'll Just Crawl Back

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud."Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep."You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again." 

Late Night Lecture

An elderly man is stopped by the police walking on the side of the road at 1:00 A.M. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body.”

The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies, “That would be my wife.”

Drunk Irishman

A drunken Irishman gets on a train and asks the conductor how long the trip is between Limerick to Cork.

“About two hours,” says the conductor.

“Okay,” says the drunkard, “then how long is the trip between Cork to Limerick?”

The irate conductor says to the drunk “It’s still about two hours, laddie. Why’d ya think there’d be a difference?”

“Well,” says the drunk, “it’s only a week between Christmas and New Year’s, but it’s a helluva long time between New Year’s and Christmas!”