Amazing Results In Just 3 Days Of Gym

 

Human - Enjoy = Donkey

Too Close To TV

Health Benefits Of Being Overweight

A new report shows that being overweight is not as harmful as is commonly believed, and actually confers some surprising health benefits.

Being five to ten pounds overweight could protect people from ailments ranging from tuberculosis to Alzheimer's disease, research indicates.

Those carrying 15 to 25 extra pounds are better able to recover from adverse conditions such as emphysema, pneumonia, and various injuries and infections, states the report.

Thirty to forty pounds of flab could help fend off breast, kidney, pancreatic, prostate, and colon cancer. And an extra fifty pounds on the scale may improve eyesight, reverse baldness, cure the common cold, and reduce global warming.

In general, the report concludes, overweight people are happier, more successful in business, smarter, and friendlier.

"This just goes to show that conventional wisdom is wrong," said a spokeswoman for the study group. "Not to mention the hundreds of studies that came before!"

The study was funded by a research grant from McDonald's, Burger King, Jack in the Box, Taco Bell, Domino's Pizza, Starbucks, Haagen Dazs, Sara Lee, and Krispy Kreme.

Being Sarcastic

• I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
• I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
• Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
• If I throw a stick, will you leave?
• You!... Off my planet!
• Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
• Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
• Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
• See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
• I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
• A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
• Stress is when you wake up screaming & realize you haven't fallen asleep
• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
• Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
• Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
• Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
• Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
• I plead contemporary insanity.
• How about never? Is never good for you?
• I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
• Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
• I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
• Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
• I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
• The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist
• I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
• Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
• I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
• I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
• Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
• It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
• Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
• No, my powers can only be used for good.
• I'm really easy to get along with once you learn to worship me.
• You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication
• Are you a fucking ray of sunshine every day?
• I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
• I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
• I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
• Who me? I just wander from room to room.
• It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
• At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

Story Of Ant & Grasshopper

Classic Version:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

Modern Version:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Then a representative of the NAAGB (National > Association of Green Bugs) shows up on Nightline and charges the ant with "green bias", and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism. Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings "It's Not Easy Being Green."

Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening News to tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan summers, or as Bill refers to it, the "Temperatures of the 80's." Richard Gephardt exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."

Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act" retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday's between 1:30 and 3pm when there are no talk shows scheduled.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing Bill Clinton standing before a wildly applauding group of Democrats announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in America.

Titanic 3D

We Don't Need No Education

Eat It With Mom's Logic

Twilight Zone

Revenge Of The Chic

Exams Are Always Fair

“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” Albert Einstein

Cheers To Alcohol

Died In A Plane Crash

Economic Stimulus Payment

"This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:
Q. "What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?"
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. "Where will the government get this money?"
A. From taxpayers.
Q. "So the government is giving me back my own money?"
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. "What is the purpose of this payment?"
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. "But isn't that stimulating the economy of China? "
A. Shut up.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan.
If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan. And none of it will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America. You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.

Rules For Work

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

Have A Suggestion - Just Drop By

Stress Test

I am not sure exactly how it works, but this is amazingly accurate.

The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress level at St. Mary's Hospital.

Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical.

A closely monitored, scientific study of a group revealed that in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical; a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. If there are many differences found between both dolphins, it means that the person is experiencing a great amount of stress.

Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to take a vacation.

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Yes you need a vaccation !!
Smile, it increases your face value :-)

Santa Cannot Exist

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with reserch help from that renown scientific jounal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to present the annual inquiry to Santa Claus.

1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300.000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2. There are 2 billion children (people under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear to) handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per houshold, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3. Santa has 31 of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time-zones and the rotation of earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.2 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about 78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us do at least every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
   This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer ca run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321.30 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weitght of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elisabeth.
5. 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enoumous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as space-crafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy per second each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.07 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seams ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

IN CONCLUSION - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.