Funny Quotes By Famous People

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...
--Sir Norman Wisdom

One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.
--Edgar Watson Howe

A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success!
--Doug Larson

A harmful truth is always better then...a use ful lie !!!
--Eric Bolton


When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
--Erno Philips

I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'.
--Robert Paul

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
--Phyllis Diller

Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
--Victor Borge

Start every day with a smile and get it over with.
--W.C. Fields

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
--Will Rogers

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
--Mic k! ey Rooney

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison.
--Tim Allen

If you never want to see a man again, say, 'I love you, I want to marry you. I want to have children...' - they leave skid marks.
--Rita Rudner

I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
--Woody Allen

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
--Erica Jong

Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive.
--Elbert Hubbard

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
--Wndell Johnson

In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.
--Joey Adams

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
--Henry Youngman

Have you noticed that all the people in favour of birth control are already born ?
--Benny Hill