Always let Your Boss Have the First Say

A sales representative , an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish”

“Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone.

“Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone.

“OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

A Drop In An Ocean

Chatting In Office : Not A Good Idea

Our hero is chatting with a Girl on messenger. Both are s/w engrs.

Hero : Hey..GM.. hows u doing today?

Heroine : VGM...Day is going good and it got better having found u on chat

Hero : wow...am honoured, u know wat, my day starts only when i find you on chat

Heroine : Yep...me too feel the same..brb (be right back) 'll get some coffee.

Hero : OK (Hero waits impatiently. Meanwhile, his manager comes to his seat.)

Manager : Hey, I need some help from you

Hero : [**** This guy always comes at wrong time] Yeah tell me

Manager : Could u write a program for me which generates nth prime number, given value of n. Would you give this by today evening?

Hero : I would do that, but i think its quite hard, is it ok with you, if i give it by tomorrow evening.

Manager : Yeah, that would be fine. Thank you [Leaves the place] Our hero sighs and stares at his monitor waiting impatiently for heroine to arrive.All of a sudden smiles on his face. Over to chat window...)

Heroine : Hey, am back

Hero : cool, you know what my manager, he's kinda keeps asking stupid things, tries to give me stupid work

Heroine : Yeah, its the same everywhere. Real sick ppl these managers are!!

Hero : Yep, u rite!!

Heroine : Hey, can u do me a favour

Hero : *smiles* sure, why not.

Heroin : Hey, I want you to write me a program to print nth prime number, given N. Would you give that to me by tomorrow evening? plzzz. You know its real urgent for me to work this out

Hero : Hey, thats a one-hour's work. Sure check ur mail in an hour from now.ok?

Heroin : THAT WAS THE SAMETHING I ASKED U WHEN I CAME TO YOUR WORK PLACE YOU KNOW WHO I AM NOW!! YOUR 1 HOUR TIME STARTS NOWWWWWW...

Boss : You Don't Need Brains For That

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be boss.

The brain said, ''I should be boss because i control the whole body's responses and functions.''

The feet said, ''We should be boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.''

The hands said, ''We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.'' and so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the a**hole spoke up.

All the parts laughed at the idea of the a**hole being the boss. So, the a**hole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time, the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began
to panic and the brain fevered.

Eventually, they all decided that the a**hole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the s***!

Moral of the story: you don't need brains to be a boss - any a**hole will do.

What's The First Thing You Noticed ?

Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office. The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says,

“What’s the first thing you see when you look at me?”

The guy says, “That’s not too hard, you’ve got no ears.”

The interviewer says, “That’s it, get out, you’ll never be seen around here again.”

The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question. The applicant replies, “Uh, you’ve got no ears.”

The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that he’ll never get a job with his company.

As the second guy is leaving, the second guy warns the third guy, “Listen man, whatever you do, don’t say he hasn’t got any ears. He’s so touchy with the ear thing.”

“Okay,” said man #3 on his way into the office.

Once inside he is told, “Name the first thing you notice when you look at me.”

The guy answers, “That’s easy, you wear contacts.”

The interviewer was flabbergasted, “How on earth did you know that, son?”

The applicant answered, “What? Are you stupid? You can’t wear glasses, you’ve got no ears!”

You Don't Need Brains To Be A Boss

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be boss. the brain said,
''I should be boss because i control the whole body's responses and functions.'' The feet said, ''We should be boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.'' The hands said, ''We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.'' and so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the a**hole spoke up.

All the parts laughed at the idea of the a**hole being the boss. So, the a**hole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time, the eyes
became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began
to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually, they all decided that the a**hole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the s***!

Moral of the story: you don't need brains to be a boss - any a**hole will do.

Rules For Work

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

Look At The F***ING Screen

Typical Boss