Imagine you are in Hwange. You have been tied hanging on a tree with a rope anchored on the ground, a candle is slowly burning the rope, and the lion is waiting for you to drop and be his lunch.
Your survival hinges on the rope staying intact, there is no one around to help you. The only possible way is to somehow convince the lion to BLOW the candle out. How do you do that?
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough for anyone.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
As always, when I need advice or counsel I turn to my most trusted friends. I do this because I know you will always be candid and honest with me. I need your opinion on something that has been bothering me for some time now.
I am counting on you so please don’t let our long lasting friendship influence your answer. Thanks in advance!
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by The California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at The same time?
A The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q When driving through fog, what should you use?
A Your car.
Q What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A The color.
Q How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A Heavy psychedelics.
Q What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A Carry loaded weapons.
Try this and you will be amazed! Don't look ahead! Just do it step by step SLOWLY.
DO NOT SKIP AHEAD. Read this message ONE LINE AT A TIME and just do what it says. You will be glad you did. If not, you'll feel like an idiot and wish you had listened.
pick a number from 1-9
subtract 5
multiply by 3
square the number (multiply by the same number -- not square root)
add the digits until you get only one digit (i.e. 64=6+4= 10= > 1+0=1)
if the number is less than 5, add five. Otherwise subtract 4.
multiply by 2
subtract 6
map the digit to a letter in the alphabet 1=A, 2=B, 3=C, etc...
pick a name of a country that begins with that letter
take the second letter in the country name and think of a mammal that begins with that letter.
think of the color of that mammal
(keep scrolling)
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DO NOT SCROLL DOWN UNTIL YOU HAVE DONE ALL OF THE ABOVE!!!!!
********************************************************************
Here it comes, NO CHEATING or you'll be sorry!
There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals, a Tiger, an Elephant, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel, who pass by. They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get an apple off the tree.
Q.How to Kill an Ant? Student:- Mix a Chilli Powder with Sugar and keep it outside the ant’s hole. After eating the sugar coated chilli power, ant will go in search of Water. When ant go for water, push ant into it…! After getting wet, ant will go near fire to dry itself.. When it reaches near fire, throw a bomb into the fire and admit the wounded ant into ICU. When ant is in ICU, remove the Oxygen mask from its mouth and kill the ant.
The following questions were set in last year's GED(General Educational Development) examination . These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds).
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
California supposedly has the best drivers -- but there are always exceptions.
These are supposedly real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders).
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Drive like minamoto.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it…don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way.. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain…good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!
Note : This is a humor site , nothing serious about it :)
Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough for anyone.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college.
These aren’t in any particular order but it’s easy to see with four entries in the list the W.C. Fields is by far the best boozer that has lived.
“Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.” –Frank Sinatra
“Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.” –W. C. Fields
“Here’s to alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.” –Homer Simpson
“You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.” –Dean Martin
“There can’t be good living where there is not good drinking.”–Benjamin Franklin
“I don’t care how liberated this world becomes – a man will always be judged by the amount of alcohol he can consume – and a woman will be impressed, whether she likes it or not.” –Doug Coughlin (Cocktail)
“I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.” –W. C. Fields
“My rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol before, after and if need be during all meals and in the intervals between them.” –Winston Churchill
“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.” –Jack Handy
“Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.” –W. C. Fields
“It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.” –W. C. Fields
“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. They wake up in the morning and that’s the best they are going to feel all day.” –Frank Sinatra
“You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline… it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.” –Frank Zappa
“The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.” –Humphrey Bogart
“It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.” –George Burns
2. Present a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire, with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions; -OR- provide the first/last name of God.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to (a) sail the ocean (b) lead an army, or (c) WRITE A PLAY?
4. What religion is the Pope: (a) Pakistani (b) Japanese (c) Agnostic (d) Is the Pope Catholic?
5. Metric conversion: How many feet are in 0.0 meters?
6. How many commandments was Moses given (approximately)?
7. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Southerners (b) Not Southerners.
8. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
9. Can you explain Einstein's Special Theory of Relativity? (a) yes (b) no.
10. What are coat hangers used for, other than unlocking car doors?
11. Which part of America produces the most oranges? (a) New York (b) Canada (c) Belgium (d) FLORIDA.
12. Where is the basement in a three-story building located?
13. Advanced math: If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?
14. Where does the rain come from? (a) The sky.
15. Essay: In 20 words or less, list all of the words you know. (HINT: These are words.)
A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Southwest Airlines from Denver to Dallas. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, ‘If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The mother, who couldn’t think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant, ‘If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The flight attendant responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me that?”
The boy said, “Yes, she did....” “Well, then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time.
Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: What are your green fees? Staff: 38 dollars. Caller: Does that include golf?
Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: Yes, I need to get some information from you. First, is this your correct phone number?
Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller:Yes, we have a tee time for two weeks from Friday. What’s the weather going to be like that day?
Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: Yes, I had a tee time for this afternoon but I’m running late. Can you still get me out early?
Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy a bucket of golf balls and hit them for practice? Staff: You mean a driving range? Caller: No, that’s not it..,,,
Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: Yes, I’d like to get a tee time tomorrow between 12 o’clock and noon. Staff: Between 12 o’clock and noon? Caller: Yes. Staff: We’ll try to squeeze you in.
Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: Do you have any open tee times around 10 o’clock? Staff: Yes, we have one at 10:15. Caller: What’s the next time after that? Staff: We have one at 10:22. Caller: We’ll take that one. It will be a bit warmer.
Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: How much to play golf today? Staff: 25 to walk, 38 with a cart. Caller: 38 dollars? Staff: No, 38 yen.
Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: What do you have for tee times tomorrow? Staff: What time would you like? Caller: What times do you have? Staff: What time of the day? Caller: Any time. Staff: Morning or afternoon? Caller: Whenever. Staff: We have 16 times open in the morning and 20 open in the afternoon. Would you like me to read the whole list? Caller: No, I don’t think any of those times will work for me.
Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: Do you have a dress code? Staff: Yes, we do. We require soft spikes. Caller: How about clothes? Staff: Yes, you have to wear clothes.
Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there? Staff: Yes. Caller: How much for a bucket of large balls? Staff: Sorry, we’re all out of large balls. But we can give you twice as many small balls for the same price.
Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: Can I get a tee time for tomorrow? Staff: Sure, what time would you like? Caller: Something between 9 o’clock and 10 o’clock. In the morning, if possible.
Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: Do you rent golf clubs there? Staff: Yes, they’re 25 dollars. Caller: How much to rent a bag?
Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and told me he’s on the 15th hole. How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th?
Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there? Staff: Yes. Caller: How much for a large bucket? Staff: Four dollars. Caller: Does that include the balls?
Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: Do you have a twilight rate? Staff: Yes, it’s 15 dollars after 2 o’clock. Caller: And what time does that start?
Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: Yes, I’d like some info about your golf course. Staff: OK, what would you like to know? Caller: I don’t know, that’s why I called.
Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and said they stole them from your driving range.. Would you like to buy them back?
