Funny Quotes From History

1. "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are it's going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20."
2. "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5,000 will only buy a used one."
3. "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."
4. "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging dime just to mail a letter?"
5. "The Government wants to get its hands on everything. Pretty soon it's going to be impossible to run a family business or farm."
6. "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."
7. "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 50 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."
8. "Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."
9. "Also, their music drives me wild. This 'Rock Around The Clock' thing is nothing but racket."
10. "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every movie has a 'hell' or'damn in it."
11. "Also, it won't be long until couples are sleeping in the same bed in the movies. What is this world coming to?"
12. "Marilyn Monroe is now showing her bra and panties, so apparently there are no standards anymore."
13. "Pretty soon you won't be able to buy a good 10 cent cigar."
14. "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."
15. "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."
16. "Do you suppose television will ever reach our part of the country?"
17. "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

Humor Quotes

It's better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you're stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
- Rami Belson

"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower or vacuum cleaner."
---Ben Bergor

"I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me. "
- Unknown

"People have the right to be stupid. Some people abuse that privilege. "
- Unknown

"Don't play stupid with me...I'm better at it. "
- Unknown

"I dream of a better tomorrow... where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned "
- Unknown

"When I die, I want to die like my grandmother, who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car. "
- Unknown

"I'm never wrong. I once thought I was wrong, turns out, I was mistaken. "
- Unknown

"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day."
- Whinnie The Pooh

"People that don't know me think I'm shy.People that do know me wish I were. "
- Unknown

Funny Quotes About Age

“The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”
- Lucille Ball

“Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty. Anyone who keeps learning stays young. The greatest thing in life is to keep your mind young.”
- Henry Ford

“We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.”
- George Bernard Shaw

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
- Mark Twain

“No one is so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm.”
- Henry David Thoreau

“Forty is the old age of youth; fifty is the youth of old age.”
- Victor Hugo

“The old believe everything: the middle-aged suspect everything: the young know everything.”
- Oscar Wilde

“Life’s tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late.”
- Benjamin Franklin

“Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you.”
- Ogden Nash

“You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”
- Bob Hope

People Just Love President Obama

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
~Conan O'Brien

America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
~Jay Leno

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
~Jay Leno

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree... and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
~Jay Leno (we love Jay)

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
~Jimmy Kimmel

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America!
~Jimmy Fallon

After a quick meet-and-greet with King Abdullah, Obama was off to Israel, where he made a quick stop at the manger in Bethlehem where he was born. ~Jon Stewart

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.
~David Letterman

Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.
~David Letterman (Dave's not bad either)

Police in Texas arrested a man who was using the alias 'Barack Obama' while trying to steal money from 35 ATMs. They could tell something was up when a guy named Barack Obama was trying to take money from banks instead of giving it to them. ~Jimmy Fallon

You know, it's hard to believe President Obama has now been in office for a year. Isn't that amazing? It's a year. And you know, it's incredible. He took something that was in terrible, terrible shape, and he brought it back from the brink of disaster: The Republican party. ~Jay Leno

President Obama should get a big refund this year because he has a lot of dependents. AIG, Citibank, Morgan Stanley - all dependents. ~Jay Leno

Dog Quotes

• The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. - Anonymous
• If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. - Will Rogers
• Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. - Ann Landers
• There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Ben Williams
• A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than they love themselves. - Josh Billings
• The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. - Andy Rooney
• We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made. - M. Acklam
• Ever wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. - Rita Rudner
• Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never bathed a dog. - Franklin P.
• If your dog is fat, YOU aren't getting enough exercise. - Unknown
• My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money. - Joe Weinstein
• Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? We come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! - Anne Tyler
• You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My goodness, you're right! I never would've thought of that!' - Dave Barry
• Dogs are not our whole life, but they do make our lives whole. - Roger Caras
• If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them. - Phil Pastoret
• My goal in life is to be as good of a person as my dog already thinks I am. -Tming

Military Quotes

• "If the enemy is in range, so are you." -Infantry Journal
• "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.." -U.S. Air Force Manual
• "Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." -General MacArthur
• "You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." -U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt.
• "Tracers work both ways." -U.S.. Army Ordnance
• "Five second fuses only last three seconds." -Infantry Journal
• "Any ship can be a minesweeper.. Once."
• "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." -Unknown Marine Recruit
• Clean it, if it's Dirty. Oil it, if it Squeaks. But: Don't Screw with it, if it Works! -USAF Electronic Technician
• "If you see a bomb technician running, keep up with him." -USAF - Ammo Troop
• "Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death , I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
• "You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." -test pilot Paul F. Crickmore
• Latitude is Where We are Lost, & Longitude is How Long We've been Lost There! -USAF Navi-guesser (Navigator)
• "The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
• "If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- however, it's probably unsafe in any case .."
• "When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
• "Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club ." -Unknown disgruntled Grunt
• " Airspeed, altitude and brains........Two out of three are needed to successfully complete the flight."
• "Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
• "Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
• "The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." -Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
• "There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." -Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
• "If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
• "You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes FULL Power to taxi to the terminal."
• As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft , having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?" The pilot's reply: "I don 't know, I just got here myself!"
  

Great Quotes By Comedians

"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me."
--Bobcat Goldthwait

"I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run to my sister's house and ask her for money."
--Kevin Meaney

"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said,'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "
--Paula Poundstone

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."
--Elayne Boosler

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
--John Mendoza

"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second."
--Steven Wright

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should beseverance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
--Conan O'Brien

"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin."
--Winston Spear

Best Of Homer Simpson's Quote

1. Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.
2. Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to Home Simpsonget one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!
3. What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway.
4. I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman.
5. Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.
6. Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin… but what good does that do me?
7. I hope I didn’t brain my damage.
8. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals… except the weasel.
9. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
10. How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
11. Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
12. Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!
13. How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.
14. You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.
15. Oh, I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk.

Funny-Famous Quotes

"Forgive your enemies but remember their names."
-unknown


"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity."
- Albert Einstein


"The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
- Robert Frost


"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful.
It's the transition that's troublesome."
-unknown


"Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
-unknown


"Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop."
-unknown


"Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them."
-unknown

Axioms of the New Generation

1. Life isn’t like a box of chocolates, it’s more like a jar of jalapeños — you never know what’s going to burn your ass.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
4. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren’t there the first time, chances are you won’t be needing them again.
5. I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
6. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
7. My reality check bounced.
8. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
9. I don’t suffer from stress. I am a carrier !
10. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
11. Everyone is someone else’s weirdo.
12. Never argue with an idiot.. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
13. Be careful . . .a pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
14. Don’t be irreplaceable - if you can’t be replaced, you won’t be promoted.
15. The more Sh*t you put up with, the more Sh*t you are going to get.
16. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
17. So this isn’t Home Sweet Home . . . Adjust!
18. Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
19. I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
20. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
21. I’d live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.
22. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without a boner, make him a sandwich!
23. What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it!
24. How can you tell which bottle contains her PMS medicine? It’s the one with bite marks on the cap!

Great Ellen Degeneres Quotes

I don’t care who you are, you’ve got to like Ellen Degeneres. She’s an 11 time Emmy winner, she’s gay, but most importantly she’s funny as hell. Ellen always seems to have something funny or relevant to say. Speaking of things she says, we’ve put together some of the wittier things she’s said in the past.

• “In the beginning there was nothing. God said, ‘Let there be light!’ And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.”
• “Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.”
• “Procrastination isn’t the problem, it’s the solution. So procrastinate now, don’t put it off.”
• “I’m a godmother, that’s a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that’s cute, I taught her that.”
• “I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.”
• “I gotta work out. I keep saying it all the time. I keep saying I gotta start working out. It’s been about two months since I’ve worked out. And I just don’t have the time. Which uh..is odd. Because I have the time to go out to dinner. And uh..and watch tv. And get a bone density test. And uh.. try to figure out what my phone number spells in words.”
• “I was coming home from kindergarten - well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It’s good for a kid to know how to make gloves.”
• “People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.”
• “The sixties were when hallucinogentic drugs were really, really big. And I don’t think it’s a coincidence that we had the type of shows we had then, like The Flying Nun.”
• “I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.”
• “Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers in their antlers because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.”
• “Yeah I’m thirty-six, but on the show I’m thirty-two. Nobody wants to watch a thirty-six year old woman, so they decided to make me thirty-two. Much more appealing somehow.”
• “You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.”

Funny Quotes By Women

1. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened. ~Cora Harvey Armstrong~
2. The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. ~Helen Hayes (at 73)~
3. I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. ~Janette Barber~
4. Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. ~Lily Tomlin~
5. A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. ~Carrie Snow~
6. Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. ~Laurie Kuslansky~
7. My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. ~Erma Bombeck~
   
8. Old age ain’t no place for sissies. ~Bette Davis~
9. A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. A woman must do what he can’t. ~Rhonda Hansome~
10. The phrase “working mother” is redundant. ~Jane Sellman~
11. Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows. ~Jennifer Unlimited~
12. Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. ~Charlotte Whitton~
13. Thirty~five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. ~Caryn Leschen~
14. I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. ~Jennifer Unlimited~
15. If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning. ~Catherine~
16. When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow! ~Kathy Buckley~
17. I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb .. and I’m also not blonde. ~Dolly Parton~
18. If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. ~Sue Grafton~
19. I’m not going to vacuum ’til Sears makes one you can ride on. ~Roseanne Barr~
20. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. ~Elayne Boosler~
21. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. ~Maryon Pearson~
22. In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man~ if you want anything done, ask a woman. ~Margaret Thatcher~
23. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career… ~Gloria Steinem~
24. I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. ~Zsa Zsa Gabor~
25. Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. ~Eleanor Roosevelt~
26. Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the b*tch up with cookies. ~unknown~

Having A Bad Day - Read This

Hilarious Comedian Quotes

• I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, ‘I’d like some fries.’ The girl at the counter said, ‘Would you like some fries with that?’ (Jay Leno)
• My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside. (Roseanne )
• A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. (Steve Martin)
• Don’t knock masturbation, it’s sex with someone I love . (Woody Allen)
• It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. (Woody Allen)
• I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic. (Woody Allen)
• I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it. (George Carlin)
• Have you ever noticed, in traffic, anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac! (George Carlin)
• You know you must be doing something right if old people like you. (Dave Chappelle )
• I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it. (Dave Chappelle)
• A word to the wise ain’t necessary - it’s the stupid ones that need the advice. (Bill Cosby )
• To be good, you need to believe in what you’re doing. (Billy Crystal )
• I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five. (Steven Wright )
• Having a male gynecologist is like going to an auto mechanic who doesn’t own a car. (Carrie Snow )
• I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup. (Eddie Izzard )
• If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight. (George Gobel)
• Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. (George Carlin)
• Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.(Jerry Seinfeld)
• You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy,the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon. (Chris Rock )

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Funny Quotes From Famous People

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
Dave Edison.

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
Dick Cavett.

"An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex."
Edgar Wallace.

"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."
Sacha Guitry.

"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff."
Steven Wright.

"You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone."
Al Capone.

"To write a diary every day is like returning to one's own vomit."
Enoch Powell.

"If you've got them by the balls their hearts and minds will follow."
John Wayne.

"The trouble with children is that they're not returnable."
Quentin Crisp.

Celebrities Say The Darndest Things

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."
Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State)

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading."
Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee-the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."
Dan Rather (News anchorman)

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?"
Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."
Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses)

"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."
Rev. Jesse Jackson

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
Roseanne

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
Rod Stewart

Famous Alcohol Quotes

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
--Frank Sinatra

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls.
--Timothy Walsh

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
--Anonymous

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
--Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven...
--Brian O'Rourke

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline... it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
--Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
--Homer Simpson

Funny Work Quotes

The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.
Robert Frost

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse
Dennis Miller

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Edgar Bergen

Doing nothing is very hard to do…you never know when you’re finished.
Leslie Nielsen

The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you’re on the job.
Slappy White

I only go to work on days that don’t end in a ‘y’.
Robert Paul

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.
Muhammad Ali

A good rule of thumb is if you’ve made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you’ve made a serious vocational error.
Dennis Miller

I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
Jerome K Jerome

Actual Questions Asked From National Park Rangers

From the May 1995 issue of Outside magazine:

GRAND CANYON:

* Was this man made?
* Do you light it up at night?
* Is the mule train air conditioned?
* So where are the faces of the presidents?

EVERGLADES NATIONAL PARK:

* Are the alligators real?
* Are the baby alligators for sale?
* Where are all the rides?
* What time does the 2 o’clock bus leave?

MESA VERDE NATIONAL PARK:

* Did people build this, or did Indians?
* Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
* Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
* What did they worship in the kivas - their own made up religion?
* Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

CARLSBAD CAVERNS NATIONAL PARK:

* How much of the cave is underground?
* So what’s in the unexplored part of the cave?
* So what is this - just a hole in the ground?

YOSEMITE NATIONAL PARK:

* Where are the cages for the animals?
* What time of year do they turn on Yosemite Falls?
* What happened to the other half of Half Dome?

YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK:

* Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
* How do you turn it on?
* When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
* We had no trouble finding the park entrance but where are the exits?

DENALI NATIONAL PARK:

* What’s so wonderful about Wonder Lake?
* How much does Mount McKinley weigh?
* What time do you feed the bears?
* How often do you mow the tundra?

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