It A Solution

Ever Notice That In Movies ?

• During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
• All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
• If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
• All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
• All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
• It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
• The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Noone will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
• You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
• Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
• If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
• The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
• A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
• If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
• The Chief of Police is always black.
• When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
• Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
• Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
• If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
• Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say:
• Enter Password Now.
• Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
• The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective -- or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
• A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.
• It is not necessary to say hello or good-bye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
• Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
• All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
• It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting, even in the middle of New York City.
• If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
• Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
• It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts -- your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
• Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
• When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
• You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
• Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paperclip in seconds -- unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
• An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur, will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
• Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
• Bad guys can spray machine-gun fire everywhere, never hitting the hero (But hitting the ground and objects nearby) and the hero can hit a bad guy at 100 yards with a five-shot revolver that can fire twenty bullets without reloading.

American Habbits

A survey done of Americans, about their habits and actions.

Driving

• 4 out of 5 sing in the car (and probably 4 out of 5 can't sing for beans either)
• 12% of men never use their car blinkers.
• 45% of us consistently follow the speed limit. (This is hard to believe - Get on a highway and go the exact speed limit. Are 45% of the people not passing you - I doubt it)
• 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
• 1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.
• 71% can drive a stick-shift car.
• 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them. (Hint from Jokemaster: When this happens, accelerate while simultaneously touching your brake - just enough so the break light goes on - scaring the crap out of the guy behind you)

What we shouldn't be doing

• 13% of us admit to occasionally doing our offspring's homework.
• 91% of us lie regularly.
• 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.

Religion

• 90% believe in divine retribution.
• 10% believe in the 10 Commandments. (That's one Commandment per person on average)
• 82% believe in an afterlife.
• 45% believe in ghosts.
• 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost. (Not Counting Casper)
• 49% believe in ESP.

Daily Living

• 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.
• 53% read their horoscopes regularly.
• 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).
• 59% of us say we're average-looking.
• Less than 10% are trilingual.
• 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.
• 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.
• 44% reuse tinfoil.
• 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.
• 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.
• 53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.
• 28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.
• 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.
• On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.
• 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.

Love And Sex

• 2 out of 5 have married their first love.
• Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.
• 29% of us are virgins when we marry. (How many claim they are?)
• The average sexual experience lasts about 39 minutes.
• Men say the average erect penis is 10". Women say it's 4".
• 56% of men have had sex at work.
• 60% of men and 54% of women have had a 1-night stand.
• Women buy 4 out of every 10 condoms sold.
• 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
• 6% propose over the phone. (Guys get a clue) (And what percent said yes?)

Some Double Meaning Website Names

Site: ChildrenSwear.co.uk (Foul-mouthed British kids?)
Is really: ChildrensWear.co.uk (Clothes for tykes)

Site: 80Shits.com (A huge steaming pile?)
Is really: 80sHits.com (Oldie songs -- now abandoned)

Site: AmIGoneFuneralHome.com (Damn: Am I really gone?!)
Is really: AmigoneFuneralHome.com (Funeral home run by the Amigone Family)

Site: OkAnus.com (I'm comfortable with my butt?)
Is really: OkanUS.com (Okan Japanese restaurant in San Diego, United States)

Site: CarolinaPedo.org (Kid lovers in the Carolinas?)
Is really: CarolinaPedo.org (Carolana Pediatric Dentistry -- which has changed its name to Triangle Pediatric Dentistry, at TrianglePedo.com! Yeah, really!)

Site: ButtHatsNotAll.co.nz (For all your butt hat needs?)
Is really: ButThatsNotAll.co.nz ("As Seen on TV" stuff)

Site: ChoosesPain.com (B&D site?)
Is really: ChooseSpain.com (Spanish tourism site)

Site: ILoveBiGals.com (Appreciation for dames who swing both ways?)
Is really: ILoveBigAls.com (Big Al's Bowling Alleys -- one in Vancouver, and one in Beaverton)

Site: TheOneIllBuilding.com (The worst case of sick building syndrome?)
Is really: TheOneillBuilding.com (The high-rise Hugh O'Neill built)

Site: ViagraFix.com (Buy a little blue pill?)
Was really: ViaGrafix.com (Long-established graphics site, abandoned because of Viagra)

Site: FeedUsCrap.fr (I thought the French demanded good food?)
Is really: FeeDuScrap.fr (French scrapbooking site)

and...

Site: ButtPaste.com (Stick your buns together?)
Is really: ButtPaste.com (Diaper rash ointment)

Movie Ratings

G: Nobody gets the girl.

PG: The good guy gets the girl.

PG-13: The bad guy gets the girl.

R: The bad guy and the good guy get the girl.

X: Everybody gets the girl.

XXX: Everybody gets the girl, her mother and their cocker spaniel.

Some Nutritional Facts

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Ultimate Facts Abouts Men And Women

Men:

1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
   
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
   
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
   
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the woman leaves them.
   
7. Although the woman leaves them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.

Women:

1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
   
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
   
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
   
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old rag".
   
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
   
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.

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Wikipedia

Funny Money Facts

1. If you could double your money every year for 20 years in a row (highly unlikely), just one dollar would turn into more than one million. ($1,048,576)
2. More realistically, if you invested your money at 8% from age 25 to age 65, just $3,900 per year would turn into more than one million ($1,010,320). That means it only takes about $325 a month to become a millionaire.
3. It is illegal to put coins in your ears in Hawaii.
4. If you drive 10 miles to buy a lottery ticket, you are more likely to die in a car accident than to win the lottery.
5. If you leave an unpaid balance on a credit card charging 18% interest, the amount you owe will double in just four years and three months.
6. People leave bigger tips at restaurants on sunny days than on cloudy days.
7. Starting in 2006, it cost the United State Mint more than one cent to produce each penny and more than five cents to produce each nickel, due to rising commodity prices.
8. Why are the portraits on coins almost always profile (sideways) views, while paper money is almost always frontal views? Profiles are easier to stamp into coins. Since the coin surface is actually a 3D portrait, there isn’t enough room to add the nose onto the coin in a frontal portrait.

Sweet Revenge

Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem. But unlike most people she did something about it.

The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola.

From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number.

Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its stationery.

The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else’s calls 24 hours a day didn’t make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands.

At 9 o’clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leoloa said, “No problem. How many nights?”

A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit.

“No, that won’t be necessary,” Leola said. “We trust you.”

The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers’ convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II.

She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch the O.J. Simpson trial, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter’s wedding in June.

Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up. Once again Leola was helpful. “There’s no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers.”

Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area.

People kept showing up for wedddings, bar mitzvahs and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events.

Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, “We’re prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel.”

Leola replied. “We’ll take it, but only if you change the telephone number.”

By Art Buchwald

Logic and the English language

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

Let’s face it English is a stupid language.

There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England.
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted, But if we examine its paradoxes we find that

Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from
Guinea nor is it a pig
If writers write, how come fingers don’t fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn’t the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn’t the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?

Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?

Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down

And in which you fill in a form By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn’t a race at all)
That is why

When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible

And why it is that when I wind up my watch

It starts

But when I wind up this observation

It ends.

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Chessboxing - Funny New Game

"Chess boxing (Schachboxen) - the new sports in Germany. It consists of a few rounds of box and chess, the winner should win both in Chess and in Box. See more at wikipedia if u don't believe"

Why is English so Difficult to Understand

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; But the plural of ox became oxen not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice, Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men, Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those, Yet hat in the plural would never be hose, And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren, But though we say mother we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, But imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim!!


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Weird American Laws

Alabama

• In jasper, it is illigal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.
• It is illigal to play Dominos on Sunday.
• It is illigal top wear a dake moustache that causes laughter in church.
• Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death.

Alaska

• In Fairbanks, it is illigal to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.
• While it is legal to shoot bears, waking sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited.

Arizona

• In Tucson, it is illigal for women to wear pants.
• In Globe, it is illigal to play cards in the street with a Native American.
• In Glendale, it is illigal to drive a car in reverse.
• In Nogales, it is illigal to wear suspenders.

Arkansas

• A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.
• In Fayetteville, it is illigal to kill "any living creature".
• Schoolteachers who bob their hair may forfeit their pay raises.
• Flirtation between men and women on the streets of Little Rock may result in a 30-Day jail term.

California

• In Los Angeles, a man may legally beat his wife with a leather strap, as long as it is less than two inches wide, or she gives him permission to use a wider strap.
• It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
• In Pacific Groove, "molesting" butterflies can result in a $500 fine.
• In Pasadena, it is illigal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.
• It is illigal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license.
• In Long Beach, it is illigal to curse on a mini-golf course.
• In San Francisco, it is illigal to wipe one's car with used underwear.
• It is illigal to cry on the witness stand in Los Angeles courts.

Colorado

• In Durango, it is illegal to go out in public dressed in clothing "unbecoming" one's sex.
• In Logan County, it is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep.
• In Pueblo, it is illegal to let a dandelion grow within city limits.

Connecticut

• In Hartford, it is illegal to educate a dog.
• It is illegal to dispose used razor blades.
• In New Britain, the speed limit for fire trucks is 25 m.p.h., even when going to a fire.
• In Hartford, it is illegal for a man to kiss his wife on Sunday.

Delaware

• In Lewes, it is illegal to wear pants that are "form-fitting" around the waist.
• Getting married on a dare is grounds for an annulment.
• It is illegal to fly over any body of water, unless one is carrying sufficient supplies of food and drink.

Florida

• In Miami, it is illegal for a man to wear any kind of strapless gown.
• Unmarried women who parachute on Sundays may be jailed.
• In Sarasota, it is illegal to sing while wearing a bathing suit.

Georgia

• All males in the state between the ages of 16 and 50 are required to work on public roads.
• In Columbus, it is illegal to sit on one's porch in an indecent position.
• In Quitman, it is illegal for a chicken to cross a road.
• It is illegal to change the clothes on a storefront mannequin unless the shades are down.

Hawaii

• It is illegal to appear in public wearing only swimming trunks.
• It is illegal to own a mongoose without a permit.

Idaho

• In Pocatello, ``the carrying of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public view.''
• Also in Pocatello, ``It is prohibited for pedestrians and motorists to display frowns, grimaces, scowls, threatening and glowering looks, gloomy and depressed facial appearances, generally all of which reflect unfavorably upon the city's reputation.''
• Boxes of candy given as romantic gifts must weigh more than 50 pounds.

Illinois

• In Chicago, people who are diseased, maimed, mutilated, or deformed to the point of being ``an unsightly or disgusting object'' are banned from going out in public.
• In Chicago, it is illegal to fish in one's pajamas.
• In Chicago, it is illegal to take a French poodle to the opera.
• According to state law, it is illegal to speak English. The officially recognized language is "American".
• In Guernee, it is illegal for women weighing more than 200 pounds to ride horses in shorts.
• In Joliet, it is illegal to mispronounce the name Joliet.

Indiana

• Monkeys are forbidden to smoke cigarettes in South Bend.
• In Gary, it is illegal to attend the theater within four hours of eating garlic.
• The Stepford Wives is banned in Warsaw.

Iowa

• State law forbids any establishment from charging admission to see a one-armed piano player.
• In Fort Madison, firemen are required to practice for 15 minutes before attending a fire.

Kansas

• It is illegal for restaurants to sell cherry pie a la mode on Sundays.
• In Wichita, a man's mistreatment of his mother-in-law may not be used as grounds for divorce.
• In Wichita, it is illegal to carry a concealed bean snapper.
• In Lang, it is illegal to ride a mule down Main Street in August, unless the animal is wearing a straw hat.
• In Natoma, it is illegal to throw a knife at anyone wearing a striped shirt.

Kentucky

• It is illegal for a woman to appear in a bathing suit on a highway unless she is: escorted by at least two police officers; armed with a club; or lighter than 90 pounds or heavier than 200 pounds. The ordinance also specifically exempts female horses from such restrictions.
• State law stipulates that a person is considered sober until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground".
• It is illegal to remarry the same man four times.

Louisiana

• In New Orleans, fire trucks are required by law to stop at all red lights.
• It is considered ``simple assault'' to bite someone in New Orleans; it is "aggravated assault" if the biter has false teeth.
• It is against the law to gargle in public.

Maine

• In Portland, it is illegal for men to tickle women under the chin with feather dusters.
• The most money one can legally win gambling is three dollars.
• In Rumford, it is illegal for a tenant to bite his/her landlord.
• In Waterville, it is illegal to blow one's nose in public.

Maryland

• In Baltimore, it is illegal to wash or scrub sinks, no matter how dirty they get.
• Every person who has bowled since 1833 may be fined $2 for each offense.
• In Halethorpe, it is illegal to kiss for more than one second.
• It's illegal to mistreat oysters.
• It's illegal to play Randy Newman's ``Short People'' on the radio.

Massachusetts

• In Salem, even married couples are forbidden from sleeping in the nude in rented rooms.
• It is illegal to wear a goatee without a license.
• North Andover prohibits its citizens from carrying "space guns".
• State legislation forbids dueling with water pistols.
• In Boston, it is illegal to take a bath unless one has been ordered by a physician to do so.
• In 1659, the state outlawed Christmas.

Michigan

• In Clawson, it is legal for a farmer to ``sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens.''
• A state law stipulates that a woman's hair legally belongs to her husband.
• In Detroit, it is illegal to make love in a car unless it is parked on your property.
• In Detroit, it is illegal to ``ogle'' a woman from a moving car.
• In Port Huron, the speed limit for ambulances in 20 m.p.h.
• Under state law, dentists are officially classified as ``mechanics.''

Minnesota

• Women may face up to 30 days in jail if they impersonate Santa Claus.
• In Minneapolis, double-parkers can be put on a chain gang.
• Every man in Brainerd is required by law to grow a beard.
• It's illegal to tease skunks.

Mississippi

• It is still legal to kill one's "servant".
• In Truro, a would-be groom must ``prove himself manly'' prior to marriage by hunting and killing either six blackbirds or three crows.

Missouri

• In Saco, women are forbidden from wearing hats that ``might frighten timid persons, children or animals.''
• In St. Louis, it is illegal for an on-duty firefighter to rescue a woman wearing a nightgown; in order to be rescued, a woman must be fully dressed.
• While children may purchase shotguns in Kansas City, they are not allowed to buy toy cap guns.
• Missouri considers drunkenness an ``inalienable right.''

Montana

• It is a felony for a wife to open her husband's mail.
• It is a misdemeanor to show movies that depict acts of felonious crime.
• In Whitehall, it is illegal to operate a vehicle with ice picks attached to the wheels.

Nebraska

• It is illegal for a mother to give her daughter a perm without a state license.
• In Waterloo, barbers are forbidden from eating onions between 7am and 7pm.
• In Omaha, barbers are forbidden from shaving their customers' chests.
• If a child burps during a church service in Omaha, his or her parents may be arrested.
• It is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup.

Nevada

• In Nyala, a man is forbidden from buying drinks for more than three people other than himself at any one period during the day.
• It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway.
• In Eureka, men who wear moustaches are forbidden from kissing women.
• Everyone walking on the streets of Elko is required to wear a mask.

New Hampshire

• It is illegal to sell the clothes one is wearing to pay off a gambling debt.
• It is illegal to check into a hotel under an assumed name.

New Jersey

• It is against the law to ``frown'' at a police officer.
• In Newark, it is illegal to sell ice cream after 6pm, unless the customer has a note from his doctor.
• It is illegal to slurp soup.
• In Trenton, it is illegal to throw a bad pickle in the street.

New Mexico

• In Raton, it is illegal for a woman to ride horseback down a public street with a kimono on.
• The Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary is banned in Carlsbad.
• State officials ordered 400 words of ``sexually explicit material'' to be cut from Romeo and Juliet.

New York

• In New York City, it is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing "body hugging clothing".
• In New York City, it is illegal for a man to turn around and look ``at a woman in that way,'' and violators are forced to wear horse blinders.
• In Staten Island, it is illegal for a father to call his son a ``faggot'' or ``queer'' in an effort to curb ``girlie behavior.''
• In New York City, ``It is disorderly conduct for one man to greet another on the street by placing the end of his thumb against the tip of his nose, at the same time extending and wiggling the fingers of his hand.''

North Carolina

• In Charlotte, women must have their bodies covered by at least 16 yards of cloth at all times.
• In Ashville, it is illegal to sneeze on city streets.
• Ironically, Hornytown has banned all massage parlors.
• State law mandates that all couples staying in rooms for one night must be kept in room with double beds, kept a minimum of two feet apart, and making love on the floor between the beds is strictly forbidden.
• It is illegal to have sex in a churchyard.

North Dakota

• In Fargo, one may be jailed for wearing a hat while dancing, or even for wearing a hat to a function where dancing is taking place.
• It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.
• It is illegal to serve beer and pretzels at the same time in any bar, club, or restaurant.

Ohio

• In Cleveland, women are forbidden from wearing patent leather shoes, lest men see reflections of their underwear.
• In Columbus, it is illegal for stores to sell cornflakes on Sunday.
• In Oxford, it is illegal for a women to disrobe in front of a man's picture.
• In Youngstown, it is illegal to run out of gas.
• Catch 22 is banned in Strongville.

Oklahoma

• People who make ``ugly faces'' at dogs may be fined and/or jailed.
• In Schulter, it is illegal for a woman to gamble in the nude, in lingerie, or while wearing a towel.

Oregon

• One may not bathe without wearing ``suitable clothing,'' i.e., that which covers one's body from neck to knee.
• The town of Hood River prohibits the act of juggling without a license.
• Salem has barred women's wrestling.
• In Marion, ministers are forbidden from eating garlic or onions before delivering a sermon.

Pennsylvania

• "Any motorist who sights a team of horses coming toward him must pull well off the road, cover his car with a blanket or canvas that blends with the countryside, and let the horses pass. If the horses appear skittish, the motorist must take his car apart, piece by piece, and hide it under the nearest bushes".
• In Morrisville, women need a permit to wear cosmetics.
• Ministers are forbidden from performing marriages when either the bride or groom is drunk.

Rhode Island

• In Providence, it is illegal to sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same customer on a Sunday.
• It is illegal to throw pickle juice on a trolley.
• In Newport, it is illegal to smoke a pipe after sunset.

South Carolina

• Every citizen is obliged to carry his gun to church.
• No horses are allowed into Fountain Inn unless they are wearing pants.
• In Charleston, all carriage horses must wear diapers.

South Dakota

• It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory.
• Movies that show police officers being struck, beaten, or treated in an offensive manner are forbidden.

Tennessee

• It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish.
• In Dyersburg, it is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date.
• In Memphis restaurants, it is illegal to give any pie to fellow diners. It is also illegal to take unfinished pie home. All pie must be eaten on the premises.
• Also in Memphis, it is illegal for a woman to drive by herself; ``a man must walk or run in front of the vehicle, waving a red flag in order to warn approaching pedestrians and motorists.''

Texas

• The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.
• A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.
• In El Paso, churches, hotels, halls of assembly, stores, markets, banking rooms, railroad depots, and saloons are required to provide spittoons ``of a kind and number to efficiently contain expectorations into them.''
• It is illegal to milk another person's cow.
• In Houston, it is illegal to sell Limburger cheese on Sunday.
• In LeFors, it is illegal to take more than three swallows of beer while standing.
• In San Antonio, it is illegal for both sexes to flirt or respond to flirtation using the eyes and/or hands.
• In Mesquite, it is illegal for children to have unusual haircuts.

Utah

• Birds have the right of way on all highways.
• A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence.
• In Monroe, daylight must be visible between partners on a dance floor.

Vermont

• Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.
• It is illegal to deny the existence of God.
• It is illegal to whistle underwater.

Virginia

• In Richmond, it is illegal to flip a coin in any eating establishment to determine who buys a cup of coffee.
• In Norfolk, a man may face 60 days in jail for patting a woman's derriere.
• There is a state law prohibiting ``corrupt practices of bribery by any person other than candidates.''
• In Lebanon, it is illegal to kick your wife out of bed.

Washington

• In Seattle, women who sit on men's laps on buses or trains without placing a pillow between them face an automatic six-month jail term.
• In Auburn, men who deflower virgins, regardless of age or marital status, may face up to five years in jail.
• Seattle residents may not carry concealed weapons longer than six feet.
• It is illegal to pretend that one's parents are rich.

West Virginia

• In Nicholas County, no clergy members may tell jokes or humorous stories from the pulpit during church services.
• Doctors and dentists may not place a woman under anesthesia unless a third person is present.
• It is illegal to snooze on a train.

Wisconsin

• In St. Croix, women are not allowed to wear anything red in public.
• It is illegal to cut a woman's hair.
• It is illegal to kiss on a train.
• Cheese making requires a cheese maker's license; Limburger cheese making requires a master cheese maker's license.

Wyoming

• It is illegal to wear a hat that obstructs peoples' view in a public theater or place of amusement.
• It is illegal for women to stand within five feet of a bar while drinking.

Funny Facts Of Life

There's a fine line between fishing and
standing on the shore like an idiot.

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Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?
I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

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Don't worry about the world ending today...
It's already tomorrow in New Zealand.
(unless you're in New Zealand -then start worrying)

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Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.
There's too much fraternising with the enemy.

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Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

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Character is what you are.
Reputation is what people think you are.

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Drive carefully
It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

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A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire
his work..

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A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.

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Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

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The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

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There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

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If at first you don't succeed ... well, so much for sky diving.

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A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two
things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.

How To Make Girls Behave Themselves

According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria, BC recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of year 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators.

English Is A Funny Language

Let's face it, English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese -- one moose, two meese? And one index, two indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not through a single annal? If you have a collection of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why don't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, did you brote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital; ship by truck, and send cargo by ship; have noses that run and feet that smell; park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another.

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who WOULD hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).

That is why, when the stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out they are invisible.

And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but, when I wind up this essay, I end it.

Some Funny Laws - But How True

Funny ....but how true !!!!

O'brien's Variation Law: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Cannon's Karmic Law:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the next morning you will have a flat tyre.

Kovac's Conundrum:
When you dial a wrong number,you never get an engaged one.

OWEN'S LAW
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

HOWDEN'S LAW
You remember you have to mail a letter only when you're near the mailbox.

Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

BELL'S THEOREM
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

RUBY'S PRINCIPLE OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

WILLOUGHBY'S LAW
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

ZADRA'S LAW OF BIOMECHANICS
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

BREDA'S RULE
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Funny Facts (Part 2)

Some more funny facts (Remeber they all are true)

• Guinness Book Of Records holds the record for being the book most stolen from Public Libraries.
  
• The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
• The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
• 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
• Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.
• Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
• The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
• The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it's head are the rabbit and the parrot. ( Don't forget Moms )
• Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane just in case there is a crash.
• The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
• If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green
• On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over theParliament building is an American flag.
  
• Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
  
• An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
  
• A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
  

Crazy Facts

1. The average bed is home to over 6 billion dust mites.
   
2. Just twenty seconds worth of fuel remained when Apollo 11's lunar module landed on the moon.
   
3. Ten tons of space dust falls on the Earth every day.
   
4. Every year the sun loses 360 million tons.
   
5. If you attempted to count to stars in a galaxy at a rate of one every second it would take around 3,000 years to count them all.
   
6. Ernest Vincent Wright wrote a novel with over 50,000 words, none of which containing the letter "e."
   
7. There are 333 toilet paper squares on a toilet paper roll.
   
8. Singapore has only one train station.
   
9. The Eiffel Tower has 2,500,000 rivets in it.
   
10. The Eiffel Tower has 1792 steps.
    
11. It takes about 20 seconds for a red blood cell to circle the whole body.
    
12. Every year, the Moon moves a further 3.82cm from the Earth.
    
13. Every minute in the U.S. six people turn 17.
    
14. There are more than 1,00 chemicals in a cup of coffee.
    
15. Blue and white are the most common school colors.
    
16. On average, a 4-year-old child asks 437 questions a day.
    
17. The tip of a 2cm long hour-hand on a wristwatch travels at 0.00000275 mph
    
18. There is about 200 times more gold in the worlds oceans, than has been mined in our entire history.
    
19. Human hair and fingernails continue to grow after death.
    
20. Termites eat wood twice as fast when listening to heavy metal music.
    
21. The cockroach has a high resistance to radiation and is the creature most likely to survive a nuclear war.